Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON