Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”