Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.