Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

i want to work in this restaurant

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.