Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.