COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands