Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.