Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Why font matters.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me