Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*