Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti