Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes