Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.