Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office