[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
how to have an accident 101
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?