Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

i- i did not expect this

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Artwork by Herta Burbe

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

What an awful time to have common sense.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?