Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.