Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

new career option?

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

All of my best ideas involve jail time.