Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD