Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Good morning

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*