*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Is fake venison called venisn’t
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is