*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
wut hotdog?
look at me when i’m typing to you
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Hero horse inspires millions
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.