*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
A drum solo but on your face.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
