Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Ghost costume 😂

Nice try Hitler

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

okay run it by me one more time