[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.