*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
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They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.