Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

This is Sparta

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

lmaaaaaooooooooo

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.