Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

🤣

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage