[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

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BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night
SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility
CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I’m stuck in a tree


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond


It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.


Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.


“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.


[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.


I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!


My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?