[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
no regrets
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.