Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Owl Sanctuary

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Happy Caturday!

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.