Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.