Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!