Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

welcome back

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Autocarrot sucks!

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

i dont have time for this

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

my retirement plan is braless

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH