Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

(grounding my kid) go outside.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing