Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

who will stop them