@AndLookPretty

*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy.

Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year.

Me: I saw it.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

@SequelsWeWant

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall

@itshotterhere

Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.

@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.