Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark