HR: The delivery job is yours.
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy.
Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year.
Me: I saw it.
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.
the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER
When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.