*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
be safe out there!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist