Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

You sure about that?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.