*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.