*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”