*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You Might Also Like
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
i want it utterly assaulted.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
finally found a reasonable question
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women