Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

“Huge”.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.