Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Wow 🤣

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

The two types of wives

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”