Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off