Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Heroic Misunderstanding

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I have a type: disappointing

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense