Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.