Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling