Comic ๐ฅบ๐๐๐โค๏ธโ๐ฅ
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“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Crooks rob Chaseโข Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: thatโs not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I donโt have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say โplease donโt throw your beef stick at meโ with a straight face.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
WIFE: weโve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo ๐
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[first date]
me: letโs just say Iโve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion iโve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized itโs conditioner
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
when someone tells me love is in the air ๐ท
Little known fact:
Young childrenโs bones are not the same as an adult. Childrenโs elbows are actually made of knives.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.