Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection