Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
You Might Also Like
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Saw your ex at the shops
A couple who are silly together stay together.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass