Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.