Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick