Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[if βcahootsβ meant love]
Me: Iβm in cahoots with you. Iβve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: Iβve told you. Iβm in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. Iβm sorry, Iβm so sorry.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: whatβs the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: whatβs the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.β That’s ok
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Women are like ripe peaches, they donβt keep as well in the refrigerator after theyβve been cut in half.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Rock of ages, but itβs just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Start replying with “In this economy!?β anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like itβs 1995 itβs the same to me
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Donβt let anybody tell you differently
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.