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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Practicing safe sax
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.