comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
You Might Also Like
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!