comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.