comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.