Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
You Might Also Like
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.