Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him heβs βmaybe in so much troubleβ and to βhold it right there misterβ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, βYβall got a lotta werewolves up there?β
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I hope the woman who forgot the word βicedβ and so asked me for a caramel macchiato βon the rocksβ yesterday is doing well
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the kingβs food taster had food allergies
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didnβt answer.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: Iβm a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Iβm surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.