Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robotsβ¦
– donβt respond to yelling
– canβt deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Iβm not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but Iβm not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
shaved my legs in case thereβs someone hot and single aboard the ufo
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee