[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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12653.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
new shirt idea
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness