Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLOT TWIST:

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.