Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

me doing my best

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]