[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.