Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.