Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.