Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Meanwhile in Portland…
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.