Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
weird email i got today
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her