coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Storm Tropical Storm
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
You sure about that?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude