coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood