Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician