Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*