[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.