[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.


Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about


Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.


If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.


“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.


My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.


Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages


If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.


Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.