[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler


Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.


[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*


If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”


Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I’m not. For years, I’ve pretended to be white, when I’m actually a ladder.