Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.