Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

*mops up wine with cat*

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Somebody’s lying.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda