[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.