Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

True statement👍😏😁

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

🖤✌🏽

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars